Cobras, giant spiders, bats, semi-trucks... the ways in which Thailand has tried to kill us are legion. But all pale in comparison to the two vicious attacks by fire-breathing Komodo dragons!

OK, they may not have been fire-breathing. And truth be told, they probably were water monitors, not Komodo dragons. Still, they tried to attack us. Or maybe were startled when they saw us. Whatever. I sure felt like an attack.

The first happened when we were taking a break from the rainy gloom that is Ranong in the rainy season. It was an uncharacteristically lovely day, so we headed to a secluded beach (read: the only passable beach in Ranong) to soak up some sun. But ten minutes in, the first attack happened, caught (sort of ) on film!

I don't know about you, but I was terrified. Shaking in my boots, even. Well, shaking in my Chacos. Who the hell wears boots on the beach? Anyhow...

About ten days later, as we were exploring the tiny island called Ko Tao, we came across another vicious killer reptile, hell-bent on taking away our beer. That, or maybe I had too much beer and convinced my fellow manly-men at the bar to chase after the hapless beast. Again, it's all (sort of) documented on film.

Now listen: I don't care what you (or Sheila) says. These were hyper-agressive Komodo dragons. Sure, they may look like water monitors and occupy the same habitat as water monitors, but those are just "facts" in the way of a better story. They were Komodo dragons. And I saved us all. I need a medal. Or another beer.