The beaches of Nha Trang, Vietnam, are lovely. But they're a little different from what you're used to, so Vietnam has some helpful rules you should follow so that you and everyone else -- mostly scowling Russians here -- have the best possible time.

• No organized catering. Unless, of course, you're the organized caterers setup to rent out the cabanas or bring food and drink situated not more than 20 meters from this sign. Well obviously not them.

• No kites. Because everyone knows that it's not the dangerous undertow that will kill you. It's the kites. So don't buy kite from that street vendor set up on the beach. Everyone hates kites.

• No stepping on grass or destroying of trees. Sure, you can step on the trees and you can destroy the non-existent grass. But if you reverse those two, you shall be taken out and shot.

• No animals grazing. Don't bring your pet worm from Arakkis, the only animal I know of that actually grazes on sand. Or your sand-eating dog.

• No indiscriminate defecation. Because the people of Vietnam have put up with your random shitting for far too long.

• No ball games. Like frisbee. Which isn't a ball. But still, no ball games. You know what? While we're at it; no games at all. This is a serious beach.

• No fire. You don't want the sand or the ocean to catch fire, now do you?

• No fishing. Ignore those boats just off shore. They only look like they are fishing.

• No hawkers. Also ignore all those hawkers selling everything from books to sunglasses to freshly broiled lobster (totally not kidding). Because no hawkers.

• Walking only. Not only are running, skipping, and crawling out; but we're not sure you should swim, either. Just walk. It's safer.

• Wear a life vest. Yes. When you walk. It's safer.

• Garbage at designated places. Take it with you, then drop it on the nearest street, sidewalk, or gutter. You don't want to put the street-cleaners out of work, right?

Ah, Nha Trang. You were a special place. Do svidaniya!